Sometimes there are things in life, which you keep putting off until tomorrow. In the back of your mind, you know that those will be your most important experiences and will ultimately transform your life for the better.
One such thing for me was writing a letter to my beloved mother (I wanted to do it since the day she left this earth, all of a sudden) but I was holding it off until the moment;
when my life would be at peace and I would have gained clarity of mind up to my satisfaction.
And it all turned out to be quite unwise — to think that I could get along with myself without going through that much-needed expression of love. (My situation did improve since the day I said my goodbyes to mummy [maybe that’s what time does — blur the memories],
But I was not the that person I always wanted to become — I could carry on with my career and learning habits [the things which keep your mind away from the stories inside you], though every once in a while, a word/ thing would come to my mind and my mother’s memories would be all over my consciousness. I found myself crying a lot, be it while walking/ reading/ sleeping/ bathing/ thinking/ working or simply sitting in a metro or bus).
From a psychological point of view, these are the expected symptoms for a person who has just lost a loved one. But more importantly, I wanted to be me, and above all, I wanted to feel whole and connected with my mother. I yearned for her voice, for her touch and for a glimpse of her being. I would be willing to trade my life for my mother but unfortunately, nothing on the earth could bring my mother back to me.
So, here I was searching for that one thing which could help me feel whole again and bring me close to the presence of my mother. This desire finally brought the below letter to life. The important thing to note is that when we finally take the decision to do that we would like/ love to do or have wanted to do for a long time, we have ensured for ourselves to have lived to the fullest; and for those who are like my former self — I have one request
It must be (and I am stressing must) done today or in the nearest possible time, because there is no coming of that ONE DAY in your life when you will finally be at the perfect place/ time/ state to do that ONE THING.
Date of letter to be written — 13th September 2018 — Thursday
I had no words to say when I heard the news that you were no more on this earth. To be honest, no one told me that you were dead either (though I could feel your presence leaving this earth). You always used to say that — “There is a form of telepathic connection between a mother and her child” and “I would laugh to you about it”, but for the first time I had witnessed it so clearly in 24 years of my life.
Since the day you were gone (13th September, just 13 days before my 24th birthday), I have remembered you every day in almost about everything that crossed my path. You used to say — “How was your exam Sid –good/ better/ best”, and I would say — “It was good mummy” and you would ask lovingly — “Why was it not best”. I would get nervous and say — “I missed a question or two so could not do best”. You would hug me in your arms and then we would forget about it.
Every time on call, you would ask— “Did you eat your food properly” and I would say — “Yeah I did, it is not a big deal anyway” (but it was the biggest thing you would be worried about the whole day). These memories of our conversations make me happy and crying at the same time.
But there is one memory about us that makes me sad and broken, you would always say to me — “Come home Sid, we will study and eat together” and I would say, “Mummy, this is the prime time to build career and maybe once I am done with it, I will come home and then take you different nice places and we will live together for a long time”.
Mummy, I am so much sorry and regretful for not spending all those days with you — the ones I wish I could, but I valued my exams and projects more than spending time with you at that time.
Little did I realize that the success in those exams and projects was costing me the time with my mother? I wanted us to be happy and together, and I was following on exactly the same values you had taught me — “To work hard and become the best person you can be” but somehow it all turned out unfortunately in the end.
Sure I did achieve most of the good things in terms of career and knowledge and continue to do so even today, but I would not be able to share this good life with you.
That is something which makes me less of the person I wanted to be — “who loved and took care of his/ her mother”.
Today, I am that person who lost his mother to something called life. Life happened and took you away from me. Sometimes, I wonder if there is so much love between us — can death really separate us — I do not know the answer for now.
But what I do know is that — I want to be with you in every moment of my life and so here I am writing — my first letter to you and I promise that I will keep writing letters to you. Someday, we will meet again and till then I will be doing everything you had taught me to do.
And above all the words that I remember you saying — you said to me — “Sid, Please do not worry about me and take care of yourself”, while you knew that you were dying inside. You could have told me mummy just for once that you were not feeling right and I would have done anything to save you from that pain and suffering.
But you did not, because you loved me so much, you did not want me to worry about you and you instead choose to die quietly.
I know you love me more than I would ever be able to love you — but I promise that till the day we meet again. I will keep working on all the things that you wanted me to do and be worthy of your sacrifices.
Take care mummy, lots of love.